Journal Entry

1924 Starbucks, Farmington, NM 25 January 2013

I almost burst into tears at Natural Grocers tonight.

It's become somewhat of a tradition for me to stop there after my chiropractor appointments on Fridays after work. Tonight I needed soap. My bar of Dr. Bronner's lavender is almost gone. Tonight I decided to try something new and ended up with an olive oil soap with Shea butter, argan oil and Dead Sea salt.

I realized something as I was standing in the corner that has soaps, incense, essential oils and salt lamps...I find great comfort in visiting that place with all the many wonderful and sometimes hideous smells. That's not a new realization...a couple of months ago I noticed I was lingering in that section of the store, smelling different soaps and oils and finding that practice very soothing. The candles are there too, some scented, some unscented. I look at the beeswax ones and the palm wax, smelling the ones that sound interesting.

I figured out that scent has amazing soothing and healing capabilities for me. Most of the people there have stopped asking me if I need help finding anything...guess they're used to my lingering. I have to wonder if they talk about "that guy that always comes in and smells stuff."

Tonight for some reason, it hit me... suddenly I felt very, very lonely. I miss Chelley and the kids...and now the tears finally start flowing.

It's been less than a week since I've seen them, but in a way that makes things that much harder. Had so much fun cooking together...just being together...then I come back to this place...alone.

The simple things really are what I miss...coaching the kids on how to cut potatoes for mashing, cuddling and joking with them, resting my hand on Chelley's thigh as she drives us somewhere...

All these thoughts hit me at once as I stood with the soap and candles and lotion and I wanted to cry. I know I have important work to do here...work I can't do around others. It's a vision quest of sorts and I have already learned and grown so much. Eckhart would chide me for not staying in the present moment...I'm already planning my return to the Midwest in four months.

So I cling to the things that I find comfort in...just like I clung to that bar of soap when I started feeling so sad. It's almost like the bar of soap was an anchor point for me...something to remind me that yes, I am right here, right now. A reminder that I can get through this with nice soaps, herbal smells, body pillows with orange corduroy covers, footy pajamas, and the soft glow of salt lamps and candles.

Been exhausted this week...sleep has been worse than usual. Hopefully tonight with some valerian root I can sleep in. Anticipating a long day of masters writing tomorrow...last time I wrote on a Saturday, I put in eleven hours. I don't know if I'm up for that tomorrow, but I've only got a week left till my self determined rough draft deadline, and I have a lot of boogying to do. Speaking of which, tempus fugit...and I've got work to do.